17: Parent the Child You Have: Rethinking Executive Function, ADHD & School Struggles
Parenting a child with ADHD or executive function challenges can bring a lot of questions—especially when the usual strategies don’t seem to work. In this episode, I explore what it really means to slow down, get curious, and support the child in front of you rather than the one you expected. I’m joined by parent coach and ADHD expert Cindy Goldrich as we talk about how these challenges show up differently for every child, why understanding the “why” behind behavior matters more than quick fixes, and how small reframes can shift daily frustration into meaningful progress both at home and at school.
Key Takeaways:
Parent the child you have, not the one you expected. Support works best when it’s built around who your child actually is.
If you’ve met one child with ADHD, you’ve met one child with ADHD. Executive function challenges look different for every child.
Behavior is communication, not defiance. Getting curious about the why leads to better support than pressure or punishment.
Your explanation shapes your response. Question assumptions first to move from frustration to problem-solving.
Connection comes before correction. Trust and collaboration make real progress possible at home and at school.
Resources:
Get a Freebie from Cindy! Grab the introduction to her new book 8 Keys to Parenting Kids & Teens with ADHD: Supporting Your Child’s Executive Function plus a curated set of free, practical resources to help you parent with more confidence, clarity, and connection.
The ADHD Skills Every Teacher Should Have — But Most Were Never Taught - Cindy’s Substack article
Eight Keys to Parenting Kids and Teens with ADHD new edition 2/26- (affiliate link)
ADHD, Executive Function, and Behavioral Challenges in the Classroom (affiliate link)
Connect with Scotti:
Website
Instagram
Threads
LinkedIn
Connect with Cindy:
Website
Instagram
Substack
LinkedIn
Ask a Question:
Got a school question on your mind?
Submit it as a listener question for a future episode
Transcript
17: Parent the Child You Have Rethinking ADHD, Executive Function, and School Struggles
[00:00:00] Hi, and welcome back to another episode of Unlocking School Success. It is my great pleasure to, introduce , a special guest today. We've got Cindy Goldrich with us, and I know that. Parents are gonna be really interested in our conversation. Cindy is a mental health counselor. She's also an expert in A DHD and Executive functioning support.
She's the founder of PTS Coaching and she's the author of two books, one for parents called Eight Keys to Parenting Kids and Teens with A DHD, which the second edition's coming out soon, and we'll get into that. One for teachers about, ADHD executive function and behavioral challenges in the classroom.
So I am thrilled to have you with us today. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Well, when you and I were chatting before we pushed record, I said that I really appreciated [00:01:00] something that stood out for me when I was looking at your website, and that's this phrase, parent the kid you have. Tell me a little bit more about that and why that's so important and why it's such a driving force in the work that you do.
Thank you. That's actually a great place to start because that is such a foundational statement for me. Parent the child you have means the child You have not the child you thought you'd have, not the child you wish you'd have, not the child you'd have as society got its way right, but that child you're blessed with and.
Very often as parents, we have all these hopes and dreams and ideas on, you know, we're gonna make this one right. We're gonna, we're gonna do all this. Each child is here for a reason and we wanna help find out what that reason is for them. We have to really connect with their soul with who they are. And the reason it's important to me in this work in [00:02:00] particular, is because when you've got a kid with complexities like A DHD and executive function challenges, dyslexia, autism, whatever it is, there is so much more complexity and we need to understand.
From a deeper level, what does that mean when we say a DHD for my child? What does that mean when we say executive function challenges for my child? Because if you've met one person with a DHD, you've met one person with a DHD, it shows up differently, right? You know this. Yeah. It shows up differently for every child.
So it, it, it blows into everything else. If I don't understand things like. The impact of processing speed and working memory and emotional regulation, all of these different things, then I am sometimes unintentionally triggering my child when I'm actually trying to [00:03:00] connect with my child. So that's why I need to understand who this child is that I've been blessed with on a really deeper, wider way.
Well, you know that I resonate a lot with this because I talk often with parents about understanding your child's unique needs. And I live this idea of parenting the one that you have, because you're right, we don't pick who our kids are. They come to us in their uniqueness. Mm-hmm. And it's kind of, I see it as our job to figure out how best to meet those needs that they arrive with.
And so I. I think that this is a great place to start because when you're raising kids with A DHD, it can look different than what you might expect. Absolutely. I mean, I know so many professionals, not, you know, as well as parents, but professionals who have their own kids who have said, and I'm talking, you know, widely known top professionals who say, you know, I had my first kid and I thought [00:04:00] I, I got this parenting thing 'cause I teach all this and I know what to do.
And then my second kid came along. And I realized, huh, now I understand what some of these parents are talking about. Like, yeah, these basic things aren't working. I need to figure out what is working, but I need to start by understanding that kid. Right. I have to wonder why. Yes, absolutely. And so I often see parents who get a little stuck in this piece, right.
And. The stuckness can can sometimes be about, you know, that if they also have a DHD, maybe it looks different than what their child's A DHD looks like, or you mentioned that what you thought might happen or your vision of your own childhood. How do you talk to parents about that piece? Yeah. When they have a DHD [00:05:00] themselves or, yeah.
And complicate it more for you, Scotty. Yes. Not just when they have a DH themselves, A DHD themselves. But what if they don't but their spouse does? Mm. Uh, that's, this one's tricky. Yeah. And that spouse is undiagnosed and maybe thinks you're making too big a deal about this. I was the same way. I got through.
You know, my parents just pushed me. My parents were just very structured. I had to do this, I had to do this, and look at me now. Right. And what I say to that is, yeah, but how much harder was your childhood? And in some cases, not all. How's your relationship with your parents? Yeah. They pushed you through, but you know, what was the impact on your relationship with them?
So what we wanna do is we wanna, it takes a certain amount of almost repairing of our own childhood as adults and recognition of our own challenges to say, Hey, what worked for me? [00:06:00] What didn't work for me? How do I connect with this child? So if I'm the one that has a DHD, maybe I need to get my own support.
You know, I always say in my practice, I've got parent coaches. But I also have coaches who work with adults. What's the difference? The coaches that are parent coaches have been trained in my academy to really understand the parenting piece of parenting. A complex kid. My coaches who work with adults are working with them on their own adulting, maybe their own struggles with organization and time management, maybe their own struggles with emotional regulation, prioritizing all of those different things because we wear multiple hats through the day.
And then when we've got that partner who maybe has the A DHD and maybe it's undiagnosed or even if it's diagnosed, I always say to. The first parent that [00:07:00] I'm sitting with. If I don't have both in the room, obviously I always wanna have both in the room, but if I don't, I say to the parent that doesn't have the A DHD or you know, is not the one that's has the complications, you cannot become the family expert alone because that puts a tremendous burden on you and sometimes you are stuck in the middle of that relationship.
Between the spouse that you're trying to partner with who maybe thinks you should just be toughening it, toughening it out with your kid and your kid who you really understand and realize that the tough road is not the right road. So lots of this is a, this is a tricky spot, right, for families to be in because um, I often hear parents say that, you know, there aren't.
They're not, there's not agreement in how to address challenges with their child. And [00:08:00] it can lead to a lot of conflict. It can lead to tremendous conflict, but I also say it can lead to tremendous opportunity. Mm-hmm. I have seen, I'm be honest with you, I have seen. Couples disintegrate before my eyes, right?
Because you know, most couples that have neurotypical kids, if that's the language we wanna use, don't have to spend too many of the hours of their conversations on talking about their kids, right? They're just parenting and it's going along. But when you've got these complex kids. It can create so much stress and strain because you're splitting so much of your personal time and effort into parenting those kids.
But the good news is you also have an opportunity to really get to know your spouse in a unique way and have them know you and to repair, like I said, some of your own childhood because maybe things didn't go as you [00:09:00] wish that they had. So it's kind of this nice little, you know, retake. Well, I love that reframe because I think especially when your kids are, are struggling in some way, it can be so easy to get really lost in the, you know, the negativity of it all.
And, you know, we're getting so much negative feedback from school, from other family members, perhaps from all of these sides. That it can be nice to be able to see this as, oh, there's an opportunity here as well. This isn't all just negative. 'cause I know for me, parenting has taught me a lot of really interesting lessons, and if I can now like reflect on those, I can see how impactful that has been and I see the value in it without only seeing the challenge.
Right, right. That's exactly it. So when a family is [00:10:00] challenged with a, a child with a DHD, how do you work with them? And maybe tell me a little bit about, um, how your new book plays into that. What, what role does, does that play? Sure. Well, the book and the book you're referencing is, is my book Eight Keys to Parenting Kids and Teens with a DHD.
Uh, and just so your listeners know, if you, they'll, they'll be in the show notes, but if you order the book before the release date of February 17th, you can get a 20% discount and free shipping directly from Norton Publishers. So that's a nice little thing. Um, but the book is based on my parent workshop series that I've been giving for almost 20 years called Calm and Connected Parenting Kids and Teens with A DHD and Executive function Challenges.
What we do is we start off the first session, which is about two hours, is a deep dive into the social and emotional impact that A DHD and executive [00:11:00] function challenges have on learning motivation, behavior, and the whole family system. 'cause you know, Scotty, it's not just impacting your kid at school.
Mm-hmm. It's impacting everything. So we really, this is the first step in getting to know your child. That special lens that we talked about. So the first session's all about that. And then the rest of the sessions and the rest of the chapters in the book 'cause it follows along, are talking about how to build this house where we have communication, where we have collaboration, where we, you know, parents always wonder what kind of boundaries can I set that are gonna help them feel independent and secure, but still be accountable and responsible?
And how do I know if I'm enabling or supporting my child? What kind of consequences are gonna build skills and not just be punitive. So we deal with these things step by step in both the book and the workshop and in the private coaching because I could, you know, parents come to you and they'll [00:12:00] say, I can't get my kid outta the house in the morning.
Mm-hmm. And I, the whole session brainstorming, well, how are we gonna get that kid outta the house in the morning? But what I haven't done with you, if I do that, is build systemic change. I wanna understand why was this a problem to begin with? What patterns is this uncovering? What are the skills that we need to teach the kid and that we ourselves need to learn?
So it's never just about that one thing. And that's why I like, you know, working with people over, you know, over the course of the sessions because we literally can build all those skills in. I appreciate this because I think there is always something going on beyond or underneath that, you know, surface level that we see an, the example you just gave of not being able to get out the door.
But what's really behind that is where the really, uh, important [00:13:00] information is because then you can head off future problems. We can be looking upstream instead of just reactive. So I love that that's, that's the framework you use, but what kind of difference do you see when you work with families or, or people who, who have used your book, um, to guide them?
What, what kind of difference are you seeing? Without being too bold, I will tell you, I just had, you know, I just had my, um. My graduates of my, my training programs, I have a monthly chat with them, and some of them are people literally who were the parent 10 years earlier who took my work and everything and they were kind of sharing their experience and two of them said, yeah, it was life-altering.
It was life authoring for our kid. It shifted the whole dynamic. It shifted our relationship. It shifted how I worked with them, and it, it, it's not too dramatic to say that I literally have seen [00:14:00] massive shifts. Very often, you know, parents would say, my kid is so defiant and we're fighting all the time, and now I've got the parent who's saying we went out for lunch.
We laugh. We, we, you know, they come to me with, with the problems and they tell me what's going on. And these are, these are huge shifts. So it works. I can. Absolutely see how it would, because I've seen in my own parenting how much these kinds of like reframing of our thinking can really shift the way we address situations.
And earlier you were, you know, mentioning those questions that I think parents come to, which is, you know, am I being too, uh, permissive to about consequences about all of these things that we worry about. We're not sure. You know, should we just make them tough it out? Should we just do all these things?
And I love that you have this framework that can really help parents feel more [00:15:00] confident in making those decisions. Mm-hmm. Based on the information they know about their child. Yes. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. So let's talk about how this impacts school in particular. 'cause I know you don't work with families specifically on school, but as you know, these, these things spill out everywhere.
So yeah. What suggestions do you have for parents in terms of them taking this kind of idea and implementing it in a school setting for their child? Absolutely. And you know, it's interesting 'cause after I was doing this for so many years. My parents were coming in and saying, wow, this really works.
Things are going so much better with my kid. But you know, I go into the school and I share with them some of the things I've been doing and everything, and the teachers don't know what the teachers don't know. And just for all the educators out there, I've been doing this a long time. My daughter's a special ed teacher and has been for 10 years now.
She, in [00:16:00] fact, co-wrote my second book with me, the A DHD, executive Function and Behavioral Challenges in the Classroom and. We really put together a program that trains teachers, helps them really understand these kids, because I think just as it's important for parents to understand what happens at school, I think it's important for the educators to understand what happens at home, but they also need to understand how to work with these kids, how to see these kids.
The reality, Scotty, is. And you can check this out yourself. If you ask any room full of teachers, how many of you learned more than a paragraph or maybe a lecture on A DHD? I would say it's not an underestimate to say that 90% will say they didn't learn anything. Mm-hmm. That statistically is what we have found.
So what I did was I said, okay, I wanna help these parents, let me go in and help the teachers. So I developed my A DHD Teacher [00:17:00] Trainer Academy, and I literally have teachers from all over the country come in and we train them through, you know, through the academy. And I also go into school districts nationwide.
Don't I do full day and half day professional development training for the staff. So to get back to the question you asked, you know, how do, how do I help parents? Kind of with that whole school piece. One thing that we do is we recognize that the teachers need support too. They're trying, they're not the enemy.
I know it sometimes is so disappointing and so frustrating 'cause your teacher just doesn't get it. Well, guess what? They want to, they really do want to, they just don't have the tools and strategies. So one of the things I suggest is. Pick one area, one concept, and you can use my book as a reference or you know, some of the blogs I've written, you may have information as well and say, Hey, can I, can I give my teacher some kind of insight around this?
The other thing to do [00:18:00] is don't assume that the teacher knows what goes on during homework. Don't assume that the teacher knows how much you're hoping, uh, you're helping. I just did a workshop last night. I have a workshop called, um, managing Homework Tips, tools and Strategies, and what's your role in a parent role, right?
And one of the things we really talk about is how much should you help your child, right? But that's also a function of how much does the teacher think you're helping? Because some of the teachers will say, please don't help your kid at all. I really wanna see where they're lost and where they're confused.
It's okay if they come in and they say, I couldn't do the homework. Right. Some of the teachers might be saying, yeah, if you could help them a little bit with this, this, and this. And then you're saying, here's the thing. I've got three kids and I work at night. Know, like that's not realistic for me. Right.
We need to have more of that communication. Mm-hmm. On a, on a practical [00:19:00] level with the teachers. Yes. I talk to so many parents who have questions about homework. Either that homework is a source of tremendous frustration battles, um, or anxiety. Mm-hmm. Or that they just don't know how much should they be.
Engaged, how much is productive, how much the teacher is, you know, wanting them to, 'cause I think that varies a lot. Mm-hmm. And I love that you brought up communication. 'cause for me that's a, a big piece that I talk about is establishing good relationships. And when you have a good relationship with a teacher, then you can have those conversations.
Exactly. Right. Exactly. Yeah. And but without it, you're just left guessing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And one of the other things I tell parents, and it throws 'em off at the beginning, but then we really talk about it a lot, is, I know a lot of people have the, um, [00:20:00] the portals, right? A lot of schools have the school mm-hmm.
Schoology or whatever else they're using. I have a hard, fast rule with parents. Never look at that portal without your kid sitting next to you, because first of all. They need to know, you need to have transparency with your kid. If you've got concerns, talk to them. Sometimes they're gonna be able to explain why it looks the way it does, why it looks like they didn't, you know, get a grade or, or it looks like they didn't turn in the homework.
You could alleviate a lot of that angst, and it also opens the door to you working with your child in a supportive way as opposed to a punitive way. Hmm. And I think that's the shift that's so important. This is a key, I think because you hit on this, um, this role switch mm-hmm. That we sometimes see ourselves as parents in, with regards to [00:21:00] homework and grades as the enforcer.
You know? Exactly. Either you did well and happy, or you did poorly and then were angry. Mm-hmm. Or frustrated or disappointed, or. Whatever that looks like. Yeah. Um, but what you're suggesting is a different role. Yeah. I'm suggesting, I mean, look, when I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, there were no computers.
Right? When I was doing my homework and everything, I don't think my parents knew if I had homework or not. You know what I mean? Maybe they knew and I did it or whatever, but we didn't have all of this supervision at home in the same way. We couldn't verify it at least. We can now, but that puts us in a difficult role as the parent.
And again, I'm all about the relationship with your kid. That's my workshops called Calm and Connected, without that genuine, warm connection, right? We're not, we're not building good [00:22:00] kids, right? So we need to have that trust and we need to have that collaborative approach. So that's why I think use it together.
As a tool, not as a, you know, marking, you know, what did you do? How about, you know, it's just not productive. Yeah. It's, it strikes me also that, as you said, we didn't used to have all of these ways to see the minutiae of what is happening at school. Um. It's also true that if we're focusing on our unique child, some kids may need more support.
Yeah. And some kids may not. And so if we were talking with them, if we're going through their, the portal or their assignments with them, then we can better gauge that. I'm not, yeah. Not at all suggesting we shouldn't look at the portal. It should just be with them. [00:23:00] Right? Yeah, absolutely. It's surprising to me too that sometimes I, I ask parents, you know, have you, have you asked your child that question?
And it's interesting that it's so easy for us to forget to ask them the questions. That's right. That's right. One of the biggest things I say to parents all the time is, remember your explanation guides your intervention. Right? But a lot of times your explanation is full of a lot of assumptions. Like when you see this kid sitting on the couch watching tv, you may feel like, well, why aren't you doing your homework?
But there's two different ways you could say that. You could say, why aren't you doing your homework? In which case, I sound like I'm judging, disappointed, everything else. Or I could say, Hey, why aren't you doing your homework? One invites an actual answer. Well, 'cause. I did it already, or 'cause my homework is to [00:24:00] watch this episode or because, you know, whatever.
Right. There could be a logical explanation. The other one is immediately putting the kid on the defense.
So your, your explanation, oh, I have a plan to do it later. Exactly. So when I say your explanation guides your intervention, if my explanation is, you know, he should have been doing it or whatever else, that's just a hypothesis. That's not necessarily true. I need to check out my hypothesis before I go off and running.
And this feeds to the piece you were talking about earlier around connection. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's all, it, it, it all works when you, when you do it step by step. Well, as we're kind of wrapping up our conversation, which I feel like we [00:25:00] could keep going for a while, but what are some tip or a couple of tips you might give to parents after they've just listened to us talk that they could put into action today or tomorrow?
That, mm-hmm. You know, before they get a copy of your book or, or take your workshop, what might be just something they could try? Sure. Uh, one thing I honestly suggest that they try is wonder why. For example, let's say you said to your kid, Hey, do me a favor. Go upstairs, get your backpack, your shoes, your tennis rack on the way downstairs.
Grab my water bottle and see if I shut my light off. What's the emotion a lot of parents are feeling when they hear that whole thing? Frustration. Like, oh, my kid won't come down with all of it, and it's such a big deal. Right? Instead, wonder why? Why didn't my kid come down? What? Give yourself a chance to say, what are three possible explanations that don't put him [00:26:00] in the negative, right?
One explanation may be, you know, he got distracted because he realized, oh, he needed to, to bring you this also, right? I mean, there could be lots of explanations to why they didn't come down with everything. By the way, one of the explanations may be that the kid has a weaker working memory that's an executive function skill, and so maybe he literally couldn't hold onto all that information as he's looking around his room and getting distracted with everything else.
Then I go into problem solving. So instead of just rattling it off when I'm downstairs and he's upstairs, maybe I give him a list or ask him to repeat it or whatever. I go into problem solving mode. I get outta my emotion of frustration. So that's one of my biggest tips. Well, that is a great one because it's one I learned the hard way because I, when we realized my own son had working memory challenges, it all of a sudden made sense.
Then multi-step, [00:27:00] you know. Get this and this and that, and that was never gonna be successful. So I, I love that sort of, um, also reframing, like looking at it from a different angle of, okay, well how do we accomplish this in a slightly different way? This still gets us what we need in the moment, but actually meets them, you know, as we started at the beginning, our conversation about parenting that kid that you have.
Exactly. Exactly. Well. We've mentioned it a little bit along the way, but tell folks listening how they can find you and how they might be able to work with you, um, if they're interested. Absolutely. So first of all, my website has a ton of information. It's got free videos and blogs and all sorts of information about my programs.
It's PTs coaching.com and that stands for Pathways to Success. 'cause I don't think these kids take a linear path. I think they take a wavy path. Right? So it's PTs [00:28:00] coaching. I do have now a new substack where I'm posting a lot of really good content articles. Um, you could probably just go to Substack and look at my name or my Substack is a DHD parent and teacher expert, so I could find it there.
Um, I'm gonna give a special, um, tool for your parents if they go to PTs coaching.com/unlocking success. They will have, um, just, you know, fill the, fill out the basic form. Basically just gimme your email address and I will send them the introductory chapter to eight keys and also, uh, free tools and practical resources that it can help them bring more confidence and clarity and connection to their home.
So those are, those are the basics. And of course if they, if you know any teachers who want to be trained, any schools that want training for their staff, please reach out to me, Cindy, PTS coaching, or if you know any [00:29:00] professionals who want to become parent coaches and do this rich work that you and I both know is so valuable, let me know and I'm happy to put them in our training program.
Well, I would love for folks to, to find you because you're such a great resource, and thank you for offering our listeners this, uh, an intro to your new book. And again, that comes out in February, February 17th, 2026. Well, congratulations. I am looking forward to getting my hands on a copy and I will put.
All of these links in the show notes, so folks don't have to remember any of it. It'll all be in our show notes. And, um, I wanna just wrap up as I usually do with asking you if you have, I know you've just listed a bunch of resources, but if there's some other resource, whether it's a website or a book, or a, um, a podcast that you might point folks to for more information.
Yeah, I would say. [00:30:00] I'll give you two things. One is my substack. If you look at the pinned article where I talk about just parent the child you have and what all of that means, it's a very grounding article. So I would say look at that. You could probably also find it on my website as well, that it excellent reframe things, especially for the beginning of the year.
Great. Yes, we are at a time of back to school transition again, and I think that. As you said could be very grounding. Uh, I will of course put a link to that in the show notes. So thank you. Thank you, Cindy, for sharing your, like, broad wealth of knowledge and, and compassion for families who are parents and kids with a DHD, and other unique needs.
Thank you. Thank you all for listening. It's been another episode of Unlocking School Success, and I hope to join you again [00:31:00] sometime soon with our a new episode. Thanks.
