24: Understanding Your Child’s Behavior Through Their Personality
Parenting can feel like you’re doing everything “right” and still constantly butting heads. In this episode of Unlocking School Success, I chat with human behavior specialist and Teaching Our Youth founder Karen Wagnon about using personality and temperament (including the DISC model) to understand what’s really driving kids’ behavior at home and at school.
Karen explains that kids are born with different traits and emotional needs, and when those needs aren’t met, parents and teachers often react to the surface behavior instead of the root cause. We discuss how adapting your communication and strategies to each child can reduce conflict, strengthen relationships, and help kids learn more effectively, especially when there’s a mismatch between teaching and learning styles.
Key Takeaways:
What works well for one child can totally backfire with another.
Look for the root cause of shutdowns, defiance, or explosions instead of only addressing surface behavior.
Bridging teaching styles and learning styles in school can reduce frustration (without immediately jumping to labels).
Leading with curiosity (not judgment) helps kids feel safe enough to talk-especially in the teen years.
Resources:
Different Children, Different Needs by Dr Charles Boyd (affiliate link)
Connect with Scotti:
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LinkedIn
Connect with Karen:
Ask a Question:
Got a school question on your mind?
Submit it as a listener question for a future episode
Transcript
24: Understanding Your Child’s Behavior Through Their Personality
Karen Wagnon: [00:00:00] Because all we bring to parenting, is how we're wired, our personality, and how we were parented in the past will equal how you will walk into parenting today because no one else teaches you this.
That's the only point of reference we have. And even though you may read books, or you listen to podcasts, and all the wonderful resources that are out there, information is not transformation.
Scotti Weintraub: Welcome to Unlocking School Success, a podcast with the smart strategies and support parents need to help their kids thrive. I'm your host, Scotti Weintraub, parent coach, school navigator, and your go-to guide for turning School Stress and Chaos into clear strategies that work. Let's get started.
Hello and welcome to another episode of Unlocking School Success. It is, of course my great pleasure to welcome another guest to the podcast. Today we have Karen Wagnon. She is a human behavior specialist, parent, coach, and founder of teaching our youth. And I have [00:01:00] to say, I'm really excited about this conversation because we're going to dig into how can we as parents look at our kids' uniqueness and use that information in our parenting. So I'm thrilled to have you, Karen. Thanks for being here.
Karen Wagnon: Oh, Scotti, I am excited to share this. This information has really, I hope it's word isn't overused, but really transformed how I interact with my kids and now my grandkids because it's such a powerful tool of understanding.
Scotti Weintraub: Let's use that broad view and just talk about kinda more globally. What is it that we're talking about here today?
Karen Wagnon: So my background is understanding human behavior, personalities and temperaments, and why people think and act the way they do. And I think we all know that we have some diversity in the way our thought process is, or the way we communicate, or the way we address a task.
And it's not right or wrong. It's different, but each of us are born with that. We are born with our inherited personality traits. It's just like I have brown hair and [00:02:00] brown eyes. I have a certain personality. It's part of our DNA, and each of those personalities have internal emotional needs that drive our behavior.
When those needs are not being met is usually when we experience disruptive behaviors or frustrating behaviors that parents experience. Most of the time we will want to address that behavior, but if we don't understand the why behind the behavior. This is a bandaid that we're putting on top to address the behavior without addressing why that behavior is happening.
And so I experienced a lot of frustration with my oldest son. I know we were talking about your kids as well, and I was completely puzzled by what was happening here. I was very successful in my career, couldn't wait to be a mom, and then I had this child that turned my whole world upside down and I'm feeling like such a failure because how can I be so successful in my career and interacting with grownups, have one child, totally threw my world upside down and I struggled with trying to find a way, [00:03:00] and it really wasn't until I was introduced to the personality model, the human behavior model, which I work with, the DISC model, dominant, inspiring, supportive, and cautious.
And it was in a corporate environment. But as I was sitting there listening to this, I was thinking. How come we don't use this for parents? In understanding our family dynamics, because, you've got a couple kids. I have three biological, I'm in a blended family with seven. We have 12 grandkids and oh my gosh, yes, they are different.
And some days I felt like I was playing whack-a-mole, just trying to fix this and fix that because I was guessing. And when I understood the human behavior model and I was able to do personality assessments on my kids, the data speaks. I could clearly see. The what we call predictable patterns in behavior based on their personality.
So I was less offended by that behavior because I understood the lens in which they saw life. It may be different than mine, but it was real to them. Does that make sense? So I, that just opened up my [00:04:00] mind that there is a different approach that I didn't understand and I think a lot of other parents struggle with as well.
Speaker: Yes, I would agree with you that I think a lot of parents do struggle with this. And what I think is so fascinating is that you took this tool that's used in a more corporate setting usually Yeah. And brought it into your family. I think that's such a unique way of thinking about what we do in our work world, we acknowledge that people learn differently, that they see the world differently, that they, process information differently through a lot of these kinds of tools.
And then, but yet, we're not using those same kinds of lenses when we're looking at our kids.
Karen Wagnon: No, and I'll tell you, I was desperate. I was, I read the Strong-willed child. I was reading all kinds of books and attending workshops, but no one explained this to me. I got strategies, but how do I know the right strategy based on what's really driving the behavior?
So it really was taking it deeper. [00:05:00] So the introduction was wonderful, so I read some books to understand the human behavior model. But I really struggled with finding the adult child relationship, the correlation. So I've been doing this for 20 years now, but that's what I did in the beginning was putting together applications that would be more adult child related.
So whether it's educator and student. Parent and child. Okay. And so that became my holistic approach because our kids right now are spending so much time in school and less time with us once they finally get into school. And they can very easily be just as misunderstood in school as they are to our parents at home.
And we just needed another tool of understanding. And that's what really opened my mind that. We needed a different approach. It's not right or wrong, it's just a different approach. Each one of my kids needed me to be a different mom, and I know that, some parents are like, oh my gosh, I can't even be the mom [00:06:00] that I am.
But once I understood what each one needed, and I practiced it because I had to work this. It became that this is just how I am now. And many of the families I work with, it's the same way. They come in so frustrated, feeling your child's misunderstood feeling as though they're failing. And as they start going through the parenting blueprint curriculum and the assessments, things start just getting a little lighter.
Like we're meeting and they're not having as frustrating a weeks because they're using strategies that actually connect and work with their children.
Scotti Weintraub: And they're so specific to who their child actually is. This is something that, I talk about a lot in this school context, is really understanding who is your child and what are their unique needs.
Because once you understand those, then the path forward becomes a little clearer.
Karen Wagnon: Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes.
Scotti Weintraub: So you're not doing as much guesswork. You're not having. To spend the time and energy feeling like you're heading your head against a wall. If more about how your child uniquely [00:07:00] learns,
Karen Wagnon: because what works for one doesn't work for the other.
And you've got two, so you probably know what I'm talking about, right? Yes. And I had three and then. We are a blended family, so we had seven. And so if it's not hard enough parenting yours, try parenting someone else's. So with a whole different parenting style coming from that, and that's a whole nother episode, I'm sure, right?
That tool of understanding helped me to better understand each one of these unique personality styles and their communication, what their fears were when they were shutting down, why they might be shutting down. Like I could really see them through a different lens. And be able to be the mom they needed me to be, so I could help them be the best they could be according to their design.
So here's an example. If I was not firm and direct with Kyle, he didn't think I meant it.
I had to be direct with him. Very direct with him. But my daughter is very sensitive, and if I was direct with her, she would think I was mad at her. She would probably cry. She probably wouldn't wanna talk to me [00:08:00] if I, my tone was as direct as it was with Kyle.
Now, first of all, I have a very direct tone to begin with. That's my natural style, so I needed to adapt to her. So that I could have better communication. I needed to calm my body language. I needed to calm my tone of voice so that I could connect with her. Very different than Kyle because if I was calm with him, he would just wanna bully me into whatever he wanted, and just debate every issue.
And we ended up in explosive arguments, but that was not how she was wired. I had to support her in a different way. I'm sure there are parents who have that diversity in their home as well. You know what works for one completely backfires on the other. Yes, and I didn't like that. I wanted to have good relationships with all of my kids.
Some are going to be easier connects than others, probably because you have overlapping traits and tendencies, and then you have ones where you just feel like you're just bulldozing and [00:09:00] just plowing through every step of your day just to accomplish anything. And I didn't wanna work that hard anymore because it was exhausting.
It was. And then I'd go to bed thinking this should not be this difficult. Why is this difficult? And I'm gonna say this, Scotti, and I want all of your listeners to not take this the wrong way, but this is the reality. No one teaches us how to raise these humans. No one teaches us how to raise a human. Now, bear with me.
I got the nursing down. I got the sleep schedules down. Like I thought I was doing all that. I had routines because that's part of who I am. But then their little personalities came up and I was like, oh, what is this? Why is he looking at me and doing exactly what I asked? Why is she take so long to do anything?
Pokey, pokey, pokey. How come this other child cannot find anything ever? What is happening here? It's because they were so uniquely different. So having the personality assessments done and then we put them in what corporate might call a team chart where we [00:10:00] could plot out the whole family and see the plotting points of where everyone was.
And that was aha moments. And it always is with the families I work with. Like now I get it. Now I get why I have a closer relationship with this one and why this one feels so difficult because we are opposites
Not right or wrong, just different. So we're less offended. By the behavior. When we see that they're not doing this on purpose to irritate me, they're doing this because this is truly how God wired them.
This is how they see life.
Scotti Weintraub: Yes, and I'm thinking about this in a school context where it can be really hard for us as parents to not remember our own experience and whatever baggage or good or bad feelings come from thinking about our own school experiences. And it can be hard to see our kids' unique experience there if we think I could do this.
Why are they not turning their homework in? Why did they fail that test? I know that they're smart. [00:11:00] They, it doesn't make any sense. And that's where it's really easy to use those labels that I really dislike, including things like lazy or unmotivated.
Karen Wagnon: Absolutely. I totally agree.
And there's a lot of labeling going on, a lot of labeling going on. There's a lot of, wanting to have special accommodations. And I'm not saying that there aren't students who need special accommodations, but when we have what I call a gap with a teaching style and a learning style, that may just be a gap.
And as I was sharing with you before we jumped on, most teachers tend to teach how they learn. They have a student who may learn in a different way. We got, I call that the gap. Now in many times we go to an assessment, like a learning disability assessment. When really, is it possible that if the teacher changed up the way they presented or the way they taught that curriculum, the way they enriched that lesson plan, [00:12:00] that it would connect with that student?
Yes. Then we tend then we're more balanced. And rounded in the classroom because we're connecting with different learning styles. Not all kids are rote memory kids. In fact, like 20% of them are rote memory kids. You know what I mean? Some kids think, remember more my daughter was this way. Through the connection and relationship, I needed to talk to her about the story.
We, it wasn't just read it and regurgitate it to me. We needed to go deeper level and have a conversation. She would remember that conversation. Some kids are more active driven, role play. They will remember what they did, not what they heard. Are we enriching in all those ways that when it comes back to reflection.
Or testing time that they actually remembered. And it wasn't just Teflon, it was just right. We came in and it slipped right off of there because it wasn't retained, because it wasn't taught in a way that child specifically learns. And so what we do at teaching our youth is we wanna bridge that gap with the educators and using the model for classroom behavior management, [00:13:00] teaching and learning styles.
And then we bring the same thing to the parents so that we understand the diversity that we have in the students. We're speaking the same language. When we come to parent teacher conferences on how we can put together the right strategies that will work for that specific child, and there are strategies we're already using, but what works for one may not work for another.
We just need to, what I say, adapt. And so I talk about becoming aware of the personality differences, adapting your interactions and applying the right strategy to reduce the conflict and increase the productivity and maintain that relationship, which of course is so important because kids will do things for people they like.
That they can do for anyone else. And that includes us as parents. If the kid feels disconnected, then why do they wanna be with us?
And we see even as adults who didn't feel understood as children, that they separate from their parents when they have the opportunity to. And it breaks my heart.
Nope. No parent wants that.
Scotti Weintraub: No,
Karen Wagnon: we can't do what we don't know. And so my goal is to really share this framework so that [00:14:00] parents understand their child, even if we have to go back and repair and restore that relationship.
Scotti Weintraub: You mentioned so many things I think we could have. There's so many rich things you just mentioned.
I really so appreciate that you're doing this work with teachers too and with schools because, we can, as parents do all of this work. It's a lot of heavy lifting to bring this information advocate for our kids, and that's what I work on. But it also is great to know that teachers in schools are thinking through these things too, and how can we best meet the kids where they are?
And I'm, he brought up a story recently where I my son is in high school and he's taking chemistry and I was a little concerned that chemistry might be an, non-preferred subject for him and therefore might be a bit challenging. But it's been absolutely no problem. And I talked to the teacher at Baptist parent teacher conferences and.
He explains to me that they had over time shifted their curriculum so [00:15:00] that to make chemistry more approachable, they lead with the hands on and then come back around to the more technical. And I thought he was such a brilliant way of looking at. What might engage kids of all different styles. And then we can bring in the more heavy technical stuff that more kids struggle with. But if we lead with the getting their hands dirty part and getting them engaged, then it's gonna be easier. And I was, and their whole teaching team has adapted this over. Time, and it was such an amazing example for me of really making small changes to really address the needs of a broad range of kids.
That they're still learning the same chemistry curriculum. They're still, meeting their needs, but in the process, kids like mine who might normally struggle are doing great.
Karen Wagnon: Yes. It was a simple shift, right? Wasn't it? Yes. Because they were eventually gonna get to hands-on, so rather sit with the bookwork where the kids get [00:16:00] bored or overwhelmed or I don't get this concept in black and white 'cause I need to see it.
Work with it. Experience. Yep. That makes the difference. That's what they remember and that's what I always say, salt the oats. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink, but you certainly can salt the oats and that's salting the oats and getting them excited that now I want the water, right now, I want the rest of it because you got me excited about what I'm going to learn.
And that's a brilliant strategy, especially for a subject like chemistry.
Scotti Weintraub: Yes. I was so happy to hear it because as a parent whose kid has struggled in school, to have an example of where all of these things that we're talking about. Has comes together and just works. Yeah. We're so used to having struggle that when it works, it's not just a relief.
Something to celebrate.
Karen Wagnon: I know. It's almost so was that it? We're all good now. That's all it was. And that's really what I find when I start working with clients as well. And even when I share this with [00:17:00] educators, they all see this dynamics going on, Scotti. They see it, but they can't always put their finger on it because they've not been introduced to a tool.
To help them understand how to identify the personalities. I try to keep it simple. What is the personality? What are the three emotional needs that drive it? I try to keep it simple, and if that's not being met, you're going to experience what I call a disruptive behavior. So when you see defiance, when you see illogical, when you see kids shutting down, there's a reason why that's happening.
So we need to look back and say, what need may I not be meeting in this environment that's causing that. Because most of the time we wanna address the surface behavior, but if we don't get to the root, why that behavior will continue or escalate because the child is still not feeling heard and understood.
Scotti Weintraub: Oh. Yes. A thousand times. Yes, and I think that's a piece that a lot of parents, myself included, when I [00:18:00] first started doing my own work, when my own kid was really challenging, that it's hard to remember that we need to really get ahead, get upstream of where we're at, because if we don't, it's just.
Literally like Groundhogs Day, you're gonna keep seeing it over and over again and there's no amount of punishment or sticker charts or things that are gonna change who the kid uniquely is. Yes.
Karen Wagnon: That may work for some, but it doesn't work it at all. It might, it just doesn't. And so it's not a one size fits all approach, like Kyle needed to be challenged or he was gonna become the challenge.
That's all I could say. And he was very smart. His aptitude assessments were very smart, but he wasn't applying himself. Why? 'cause he was bored. He wanted to be challenged. And once they moved him into curriculums that challenged him. And we spoke about this a little bit before we went we started recording, but [00:19:00] he graduated high school with two A's and four D's.
Technically it was a two o. And I'm going to the guidance counselor saying, I think we need to retain him. The two ways were in teacher recommended classes that were all around technology or problems in technology. Finding a problem creating a solution. Cadding the solution. Building the solution like it was a lab based work, but to sit down and do chemistry, to sit down and do history, to sit down and do writing, English comp did not care.
Did not care. I knew he wasn't going to go to college. He needed to learn a trade or something that he could just do. And right now he is working in a field, in quality in the automotive industry because he's in Michigan, he does not have a degree. But when they assessed him, he had the skillset naturally to step into that because of the way he saw life.
And he loves it. He loves problem solving. But was the kid ever gonna go to school to be an engineer? Probably not. [00:20:00] But he learns what he needs to do, learns how he needs to look like nurse learns how to problem solve it. And he made his way. But I was real nervous about this when he's getting out, as most parents are, what is my kid?
Will they ever find a way? Will they ever have a career? They're not committed to learning new stuff, but I just had to trust him and love him through some ugly stuff. Scotti, I had to love him. Yes. For some ugly stuff because he made some not so good choices. And I was not the, I told you mom, although in my head I was saying, I told you so I just had to say, sorry, you're going through this.
What do you, what do you think you might need to do differently? And how will you approach this next time? Like we just had to have conversations. What happened? And he was a tough one. But even with some of our shy kids, some of the shy and reserved kids who don't feel safe enough to speak up, they've got stuff going on too.
We don't see it until there's an explosion. And then we say, where did that come from?
'
Karen Wagnon: Cause they like to keep the peace and they stuff it, and they stuff it. And they serve and they accommodate everybody until that last straw comes. And they throw up all over everybody. And it's like, where did that come from?
And so [00:21:00] we do need to, it's so valuable to understand each child, so you know, when they go quiet, what's going on? What's going on? What's been on your mind lately? Yeah. And then just be quiet and let them talk. And you might not wanna talk about that right now. We can always talk about it later, but I just sense you got some stuff going on.
I love you, right? This is the way we need to approach that because I wanted to know now what happened today? What's wrong? What, why are you acting this way? But that was too intense and too intimidating that I had to see, I had to, who had to change this girl right here,
Scotti Weintraub: right?
Karen Wagnon: Like I had to adapt. Because my parenting style wasn't necessarily working with them. So that's what's so powerful about the parenting blueprint, is you're gonna learn about yourself. Why you approach parenting the way you do? Because all we bring to parenting, Scotti, is how we're wired. Our personality and how we were parented in the past will equal how you will walk into parenting today because no one else teaches you this.
That's the only point of reference we have. And even though you may [00:22:00] read books, or you listen to podcasts and all the wonderful resources that are out there, information is not transformation. Like I had a focus, I had to be intentional on the changes that I needed to make. In working with my kids. 'cause it was real easy for me to go back to the crazy loony mom because I was a screaming Banshee woman.
I was just, that boy triggered me and it was all over. And what I did is I was eroding the relationship with him and I was shutting down the other kids who didn't want anything to do with me. They were fearful of me. I did that. I did that.
Speaker: It's such a hard thing to realize how much work, personal work it takes to be a parent.
And to be an effective parent, to be a parent that can really see that uniqueness. And I, story you just shared really resonated with me because I too have a young adult who is trying to find his way in the world. In a nontraditional way, and just yesterday said to me I just, I had a really [00:23:00] bad day.
And I, instead of being the like what happened and are you gonna tell me? And I just had to say are you okay? And he said, yeah, I'm okay. And I just had to leave it.
And that was a good reminder even in the moment of okay, he doesn't wanna share with me now, and maybe he won't. Maybe that's gonna be okay.
Karen Wagnon: And it's so hard in our relationship as a mom and I have a lot of relational style in, in my personality as well. And I wanna know, because I wanna help you. I want to know. And he was very guarded. Very guarded. Is that's the only way I can, or private, that was part of his blend and I needed to respect that.
But also, like you did, give them space. Let them know I'm here if you wanna talk about it. Because I used to push to get them to tell me, and all that did was shut him down more. It was gonna take a lot longer because I wanted to know and I just had to learn that I'm here to meet his needs and when I meet his needs, [00:24:00] he will meet mine.
Scotti Weintraub: Wow.
Karen Wagnon: So if I give him that space. I'm not hounding him. He will eventually, if I provide the right environment, and it's usually take him to get a burrito somewhere. You know what I mean? It's usually if you feed him, they'll talk right then, yes. Then it'll start to come out. But I, they were the strategies I had to do because when you're boun, managing the family in your career and all the things, and you just wanna know what's going on with this child before the next day, before they go back to school.
What is hap That was too, I was too much. Can you imagine? I was too much for that. But. It's such a beautiful thing now that they are all grown and flown, starting their own families, and we still have wonderful relationships. They still call, he still calls me on the way to work or call me on the way home and just for the 12 minute ride.
Now this is a boy who through the ages of 16 to 21, barely talked to me at all. I talked to him more than some of the others, and it's just because he does feel safe that he can talk to me and I'm not going to criticize and judge. I listen and [00:25:00] I ask questions. I learned to become curious.
Scotti Weintraub: Ooh, I love that word. It is like the key leading with curiosity. It really, I think, opens up those opportunities for connection and you're talking about how important those long-term relationships are because it's not just about today.
Karen Wagnon: This is legacy stuff.
When I'm working with families and a lot of my clients come in around adolescents, things start to get a little wonky.
They don't know how to manage that change in the relationship through adolescents when they're pushing back and rolling eyes and the child who used to love you is now slamming doors, doesn't wanna talk to you and parents are. And then we, what we want, we're trying to get them to get closer to us, and it only makes it worse.
So that tends to be a lot of that. But working with that through that season and then seeing them on social media, taking trips together for their senior [00:26:00] year and having just wonderful relationships where the kids want to be with them. Why? Because they feel safe and understood, and they enjoy being with their parents.
Now, look, we're still parents. We still need to guide and lead, but we transition into more coaching and guidance and mentoring in those later years than trying to control that environment. And parents. I'm gonna say something and I know you wanna hear this. You need to let your kids fail at some things.
You just got to, that's where learning happens. And I'd rather my kids fail while they were still under my roof and in my home, so I could coach them through how to resolve some things than to think that I was controlling everything. And then when they did leave me after 18 or going to college or moving off and making mistakes because they never failed and they never had to figure it out, we've gotta give them some opportunities for growth and so we can guide them.
And if they make choices that don't work out, it's not the I told you so it's, I'm sorry that happened. What, what happened, and what do you think you could do differently? If they don't know, then I [00:27:00] usually ask, can I make a couple of suggestions on what you might wanna think about?
And then I just let it go. Lemme know how that works out for you. I can't get into resolving this right now in the moment. 'cause see, that's my personality. I'm a problem solve. Too. But that was just like, they didn't have, not, it was a different approach. And parents, I'm just telling you, once you start shifting that approach with your kids, they will come and start telling you everything.
But isn't that what we want anyway? We do is to just have that open relationship where they feel safe and not judged.
Scotti Weintraub: Oh, not judged is such an important piece, especially I think for kids who struggle at school. 'cause that's what I talk about. For those kids, they feel judged all the time.
And there's data on how many negative comments kids with learning disabilities or A DHD that they're getting from. From teachers, from fellow [00:28:00] students because their needs aren't well understood.
They're getting all that negativity. And I think it's so powerful and meaningful to be a model of how not to be that negativity, right?
To be the person who is. Highlighting their strengths, which is another thing I talk often about, who is really seeing the smart, capable, kind, empathetic person that we know them to be. And leaning into that instead of just the challenges.
Karen Wagnon: Yes. And that's one of the things that I tell parents to do too, is you need to start affirming the strengths and their personality.
Like I, I could just say to Kyle, I noticed that you always tell me exactly what you're thinking. Because there were times where he was pretty vocal about some stuff, but then there were other kids who shut down and you don't know what they're thinking. So wasn't that a better thing, even though it might have come out a little ugly?
At least I knew what was inside and that was festering because he got it out. If we can validate those things, because like you said, the world is gonna be hard on them anyway. We [00:29:00] need to be their safe place where they know that they are loved no matter what. You know what I mean?
Yeah. Just because of who they are, and I've learned to value and appreciate the different strengths of my kids because they are so different. They're not, I think in the beginning we try to make them mini mes. To think and act and do you know what I mean? Whether it's extracurricular activities or sports or parents are always driving, their kids to do all these things.
Instead of connecting with who this child is, what is their strength and what do they want? What is it that they want? And how can we guide them to have experiences and become who they were meant to be and be okay with that. Especially in the adolescence when they're still trying to find themselves.
And it was a real hard time for my daughter. She just wanted to be like the popular girls, and she was very shy and reserved. And once she finally broke her way into that crowd, she realized they were mean, and she didn't like coming out. But I needed to let her experience that. Yeah. You know what I mean?
And if she finally got to eighth grade and she says, I feel like I don't [00:30:00] even fit in here. I've spent all this time, trying to get them, get to, hang out with these popular girls because she was so shy and reserved. But she says, they're smoking weed and they're stealing their parents alcohol.
They're doing things with boys. And like she and I'm sitting there thinking, thank you, Jesus. Because it didn't feel okay for her. In her part to do those things. But we had a relationship where she could tell me, right?
Scotti Weintraub: Yes. And not hide. Yes. It
Karen Wagnon: and parents, that's what you want, is to be able to have that open communication where your kids feel safe and getting through those teen years where they are pushing back and you're not the go-to anymore.
I know it breaks, her heart broke mine too. But what I had to do is just stay present and stay available and not judge. And when they are ready to talk, they will if you provide the right environment and a safe environment for them to do
Scotti Weintraub: yes, and I always think about it being, obviously it's a marathon, not a sprint.
And it can be really hard when you're in the heat of a [00:31:00] particular challenge. Your child is failing a class, for instance. It can feel like this is the, ultimate problem when really. Our long term strategy and goal is to raise, as you said, like capable, confident people who manage themselves in the world, and if we keep our eyes on that and then it helps us worry a little bit less about that.
Very specific problem.
Karen Wagnon: And Parents's very driven about that. Like the, and school is a big thing. And it was for us too. School was not optional and I wanted my kids to, to do well. Kyle for instance, Kyle was gonna do what Kyle wanted to do and here we were a junior in high school, he's failing geometry because he won't show every step of the theorem and he's getting marked off for not showing every step of the theorem.
Now he could do it in his head, and I know he could because he pretty bright kid. But the teacher asked you to show the steps of the theorem. It's four times four 16. Do I have to [00:32:00] write four times four 16 next? And I said, he's asking you to write the steps. Ethereum. Now, Scotti, he wasn't gonna do it, and the teacher's marking him off double because we had two strong-willed personalities right there.
So he's marking him off twice for not showing it, and Kyle is ballistic because he is getting the right answer. Then the guy says how do I know you're not cheating? So then he challenged his integrity, which was another thing, like it was a hot mess. And I just said to him.
You got a couple choices here. Either you give the man what he wants and you'll pass this class. If you don't, he'll probably fail you. And if he fails you, you got a couple more choices. You can either earn the money to make up the credit over the summer, or you'll take it again next year and you'll just graduate a year late.
You choose. You decide, because these are the choices he was choosing to make. Now. He did fail the class. He did earn the money to get the credit, but this is, this feels like a hundred years ago, because [00:33:00] these were, when you had paper booklets to take make up classes and all he had to do was write the answers to the problems on the right hand side.
No one checked the work, no one saw the session that they, so he still got away with it. Anyway. Anyway. But he got to move on and graduate on time. But I had to just give him choices because I met with Kyle, I met with the teacher, I met with Kyle and the teacher and like we weren't getting anywhere.
They were two bullheads together. And I'm sitting there thinking, this isn't gonna end well. It's not gonna end well. And he made a choice to not give the man what he wanted. So they had a couple more choices. The hardest part for that, Scott, for me, was staying calm and not blowing my top thinking, what the heck?
Just give what he wants.
Scotti Weintraub: That sounds
very hard
Karen Wagnon: because he was like, I can do it. My I'm talking about parents when you have these strong-willed kids, so I had to stay calm and said, you have a choice and then you have another choice, and then we
Scotti Weintraub: Wow.
Karen Wagnon: From here.
Scotti Weintraub: I'm impressed in retrospect for your strength there, [00:34:00] because that is a very difficult situation, right?
Karen Wagnon: It's.
Scotti Weintraub: Yeah, unfortunately we have to wrap up our conversation 'cause I know we could keep going for quite a while 'cause this is such a, an interesting topic. But where. Can people find you, Karen?
Karen Wagnon: Yeah. So I'm on social media. I'm on TikTok. You can look at parent by Design.
I'm on Parent by Design if you wanna follow me there. My website is teaching our youth.com, so there's a lot more information there about what we do with the schools and more about the parenting blueprint. And so you can find me in a couple different areas. I'm on Instagram as well, so I've got the socials, LinkedIn all that kind of stuff.
So you can look for Karen Wagnon through there. Parent by Design teaching our youth. So you'll find me in a couple of different areas there. Email karen@teachingouryouth.com. You'd probably grab that from the website. But if parents, if you are listening and you have some questions or you're curious about understanding your child's personality, I'd love to be able to support you with that.
Scotti Weintraub: And I will of course have all those links in the [00:35:00] show notes. And so you can have easy access to finding Karen online. I like to end my guest interviews just asking for an outside resource that you'd like to share with parents. It could be something that inspired you in your journey as a parent, or something you think would be a great follow up to this conversation.
Karen Wagnon: So we talked a couple of things, but one of the things that I think really made a difference after I understood my kids' personalities was engaging and learning their love language. And each of my kids were so different and just like. Teachers will teach how they learn. We speak a language of love in the way we feel loved.
And parents, you may be mis connecting with some of those as well, so that was just a real powerful resource once I understood my kids' personality and how to communicate better. The love languages was the icing on the cake, and my kids were so diversely different. It was, again, not a one size fits all.
And another book that I started with was called Different [00:36:00] Children, different Needs. It was by Dr. Charles Boyd, and that was my first introduction to someone who actually looked at personalities. And from an adult child relationship. So that was I still have that book. It is, got a broken back, it's got dog ear pages.
It's got highlights everywhere because it really helped me to go deeper into not just the understanding, but what do I do with what I know.
Speaker: I will put links to those in the show notes as well. Karen, thank you so much for being here. It really is such an interesting conversation and I hope that everyone listening got something for them to think about about meeting our kids, really where they are, based on who they uniquely are.
Karen Wagnon: Absolutely. Scotti, thank you so much.
Scotti Weintraub: And thanks for listening to another episode of Unlocking School Success. If you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did, I hope that you will like, follow or even leave a [00:37:00] review. It helps me reach many more parents. Thanks. See you next time.
Thanks for tuning in to Unlocking School Success. If you're finding these episodes helpful, please hit follow, leave a review, or send it to another parent who's also navigating the school maze, because no one should have to figure this out alone. You'll find full show notes@reframeparenting.com slash podcast and you can come say hi on Instagram at Reframe Parenting.
Thanks again for listening. See you next time.
