6: What Parents Need to Know About Executive Function
What if your child’s “laziness” or “lack of motivation” isn’t a behavior problem but a missing skill? In this episode, Scotti’s joined by Executive Function Coach Carrie Bonnett to unpack what executive functioning really is, why so many kids struggle with it, and how parents can support these critical life skills at home. Whether your child has ADHD, misses deadlines, or just can’t seem to get started on projects, this conversation will give you a new lens—and practical ways to help.
Key Takeaways:
Executive function skills help us get important things done.
They’re the brain’s tools for planning, organizing, managing time, and staying focused.What looks like laziness is often a missing skill.
Kids aren’t being willful. They’re struggling with things they haven’t been taught yet.Executive function doesn’t always match a child’s age.
Kids—especially those with ADHD, autism, or other neurodiversity— may have a lag in these skills.There’s no one right way to stay organized or get started.
Every brain is different, so it’s all about “strategy shopping” to find what works.Parents don’t need to be experts to help.
Making one invisible thing (like time or expectations) more visible and build from there.
Meet Carrie Bonnett:
Carrie is a former middle & high school teacher and an adjust instructor for teachers in training who was teaching and supporting Executive Functioning skills before she even knew what that meant. She works with students and their parents to the build skills that get important things done.
Resources:
Download Carrie’s FREE 4 Ways to Help Your Student Get Things Done Blueprint.
John Medina’s book Brain Rules (affiliate link)
Sarah Kesty’s The Executive Function Podcast
Connect with Scotti:
Transcript
6: What Parents Need to Know About Executive Function
Carrie Bonnet: "[00:00:00] so Carrie, are you telling me that when I give the students a whole class period or an entire week in class to work on their project, essay, whatever- are you telling me that the ones who are sitting there and just not doing anything, you're telling me that's an executive function thing?"
Scotti Weintraub: Welcome to Unlocking School Success, a podcast with the smart strategies and support parents need to help their kids thrive. I'm your host, Scotty Weintraub, parent coach, school navigator, and your go-to guide for turning School Stress and Chaos into clear strategies that work. Let's get started.
Hi. Welcome back to Unlocking School Success. I am thrilled today for my very first [00:01:00] interview episode to feature my friend and executive functioning coach Carrie Bonett.
Carrie Bonnet: Hello, I'm so glad to be here.
Scotti Weintraub: Well, it's always a pleasure to collaborate with you. We do it often, so it was only natural that I bring you on is my very first guest.
Carrie Bonnet: I love it. And as we'll get into, I'm sure executive functioning is a key to school success, so I'm glad to be here.
Well,
Scotti Weintraub: yes. Why don't we start with the question that I think is probably the beginning of any conversation.
What exactly is executive functioning anyhow?
Carrie Bonnet: Yes, it's a great one, and you're right, it is a question that everybody asks. It because here's the thing, it makes me think of an executive, like a CEO of a company or something like that. The term is not super user friendly. But the short definition that I like to give for executive function is they are the [00:02:00] brain skills that help us get things done.
Actually in recent I dunno, months. Maybe I've started to add the word important in there.
So they are the brain skills that help us get important things done. That's the simple definition. I'm sure we'll talk about what a lot of these skills are, but we're talking about things like time management, we're talking about organization, we're talking about, planning and staying focused and noticing, like self-monitoring when I'm not focused and things like that. So all of those little skills that we sometimes don't even think about that allow us to get our stuff done.
Scotti Weintraub: Yes, they're so important. And I love that you added that word in there because it just highlights that these skills are so fundamental to really well school, obviously, but. Life.
Yeah.
And just getting things done.[00:03:00]
Carrie Bonnet: I love, well I tell parents all the time, so I work mostly with students, but I also work with adults too. But I tell parents all the time that these are not just school skills, these are life skills, right? Like you need to get to the, "I had a doctor's appointment this morning."
You had to get there on time. And I had to make sure I had gas in the car in order to get there on time. And so we have to pay our bills on time. We have to fill our prescriptions. You know, these are all things. That we have to do when we get to be adults. So yes, they're relevant in school, but it's more than just that.
Scotti Weintraub: Yeah. Yes, absolutely. They're so important in every day if you really start thinking about it.
Mm-hmm.
You start noticing all of the little places where all of these skills come into play. But I think as parents, we tend to think about them sometimes only in relation to school.
Carrie Bonnet: Yeah. But chores, just think about chores like, so I'm working with a student right now who, we had a [00:04:00] conversation the other day about, I was like, "okay, what is your least favorite chore that you have to do?"
And by the way, chores are great. For kids at home as a learning tool for how to manage right in life. But she, what did she say? I think it was probably picking up dog poop, which is a chore that my kids have to do too. At our house. We have two dogs and she definitely didn't like that. But sometimes it's not, I mean, that's kind of gross, but sometimes it's not that like kids just for some reason they really don't love -unloading the dishwasher or they really don't love cleaning the sink in the bathroom or, I don't know, whatever the chore is that you have in your house. Like there we have to do things we don't wanna do sometimes.
And so that's a home thing. It's a school thing. Absolutely. It's always in. I loved how you said like if we really start thinking about and noticing. We'll start to notice how many of these skills we use. Like, for instance, Scotty, I don't know did you have anything you had to do today that you didn't really want to, but you figured out a way to [00:05:00] start it? Because that's a skill too.
Scotti Weintraub: Yeah, I, there are many things. I have to go to the dentist later today and I had to think. I need a dentist appointment. Then you have to actually call them and make the appointment and you have to put it on your calendar, and then you have to actually, maybe set a reminder so that you get outta the house on time.
They're all those tiny little steps that we forget. Are the foundations of actually getting things done.
Carrie Bonnet: Totally. And they have to be taught. So , some of the research in this executive function area is very clear that these are skills, well first of all, that they're skills and second of all that they are skills that must be explicitly taught.
I had, there's a another podcast I was on and the host, he liked to describe, he called it that these skills are not "factory installed". I thought that was, I like that. Isn't that great? Right. Like, you know, you receive some kind of [00:06:00] technology and it's got all these things installed, but no executive function skills are not factory installed.
They are not innate.
Scotti Weintraub: They're aftermarket.
Carrie Bonnet: Yes, they're aftermarket. I love that. So we have to teach them. And I know that we expect kids to know how to do these things. We're not always teaching it at home, at school. I'm a former teacher. I taught in the classroom for 14 years. I still have my finger on the pulse in education right now as an adjunct instructor at University of Portland in Oregon.
So I think it's getting better. I think more and more teacher training programs and things like that are thinking about this stuff. And I actually do some teacher training, which I love, but we're not always teaching kids how to get started on something boring. That's one very simple example.
Or how to plan a big project or how to get somewhere on time, like you were saying about your dentist appointment. We have to teach the kids how to do this. [00:07:00]
Scotti Weintraub: Well, I love that you do teacher training on this because I think it's true that we don't often think about it as a learned skill or set of skills.
And if we are just assuming that students know how to do it or will have developed those skills sort of through osmosis or
Right, right.
Something by the time they get to a set age that's when you see students really struggling and I talk to their parents about them not being able to turn their homework in or being very scattered, not being able to start.
And initiate projects or know how to break a big project down into smaller parts. And then that's where, parents can get really frustrated.
Mm-hmm.
Teachers just can assume, they should know this by the time they're in ninth grade, for instance. Right. When in reality, maybe some kids do. [00:08:00] Yeah.
And for sure. And that's great.
Mm-hmm.
But not all of them do.
Carrie Bonnet: No. In fact, I would say like the teacher training that I did most recently we talked about how teaching these skills, benefits all the kids in the classroom, every single one. But it's especially critical. For the students who are struggling with this stuff, like maybe they have a diagnosis like A DHD or autism or dyslexia, dysgraphia, some of these other things also affect executive function.
But nonetheless, we want to, I think it's important to sort of across the board helps students with this. Because the other thing is some students come to your class and. They know how to turn in their work on time, but or to even just manage the portal, the, like online.
Our kids use Canvas, Schoology, Google Classroom, all those things like that stuff has to be taught too. But there's always like little nuggets that you can teach to [00:09:00] kids too. So I do think, I think teachers are wonderful humans for the most part. And they want their students to succeed.
But I do also think that they think that by the time they get to me, they should know how to do this. That's what they think to their head. In fact I did a teacher training at a high school a couple of years ago, and I very vividly remember this veteran teacher who had been at this school for, I don't know, a decade at least, and.
Kind of raised his hand and said, so Carrie, are you telling me that when I give the students, this is a high school, he probably taught juniors and seniors? Probably. When I give the students a whole class period or an entire week in class to work on their project, essay, whatever, are you telling me that the ones who are sitting there and just not doing anything.
You're telling me that's an executive function thing?
And I said, I am. I [00:10:00] absolutely am.
Wow.
Right.
And he had been teaching his whole life, his whole career. So it was a real aha moment. We talked about task initiation, just getting started. That's likely what it was, but it also could have been. Impulse control. Like not being able to stop talking to their friends 'cause their friends are so fun. You know?
And be able to say, Nope, not now I'm gonna work on this. So there's so many skills wrapped up in just independent work at school.
Mm-hmm.
And that's a high school. But even for the lower grades too, there's a lot of skills for just sitting and doing your work or standing and doing your work or on the floor and doing your work.
In the case of the younger grades. But I just think it's that aha moment is why I like to do the teacher training too,
Scotti Weintraub: and why it's so important. Totally. I'm wondering, what do you think with those folks who are hopefully having those aha moments, whether they be teachers or parents about the [00:11:00] fundamentals of or how important executive functioning skills are.
What do you think the assumption is before they have that aha moment.
Carrie Bonnet: Oh, that the kid is being willful? I think the assumption is that the student just doesn't want to, so they're not gonna, and it's willful rather than based on skill. That's what I think. And it's a behavior of some sort.
It's like a challenging behavior. Like why aren't you doing your homework? Well, you know, I don't know, whatever the response is from the kid, but that it's a willful behavior thing. And then there's often some tension related to that.
Scotti Weintraub: I think it is especially hard, . As a parent, or I'm sure as a teacher as well, to not reflect upon our own experiences.
And I see this when I work with parents sometimes where they think, I could turn my homework in.
Mm-hmm.
They don't understand the lack of skill piece, because that wasn't [00:12:00] their own experience.
Carrie Bonnet: Right. And it's so important. Like for example I mentioned A DHD, I see a lot of kids with a diagnosis of ADHD.
Not all it doesn't even really matter in my practice 'cause we just talk skills. So whether they have a diagnosis or not doesn't matter. But the current research about A DHD, for example, is that the executive function. Skills is like a three to five year lag, like a delay.
Mm-hmm. So if a student, like I'm working with a going in to be a senior, so he's 17. So he definitely has an ADHD diagnosis and an autism diagnosis. I believe. He 17, but that might mean that his executive function age is 14. Or even 13. So that's another kind of aha moment that I hear parents have a lot is , huh, because he can do a lot of things sort of at a 17-year-old [00:13:00] age, you know? Super smart. Good, good driver. You know, I don't know all these things. Yeah. But, but there's certain things that you go, oh yeah, well that makes sense. He, not functioning. With these skills as a 17-year-old.
So anyway, I think this is interesting,
Scotti Weintraub: such an important point. Totally. Because it reminds us that we can't compare age to stage, right?
Yeah.
That sometimes there is a variation in that not all. 10th graders have the capacity to do what some 10th graders can do. Totally. In fact, I had a,
Carrie Bonnet: I had a a set of twins that I worked with that was super interesting because they were different. I mean, they both needed the support, but in different areas. And so that is exactly what you're saying is like, yeah, sure. They're the exact same age . [00:14:00] But their brains are different. Right.
And so one kid needed this. Particular strategy and another kid. In fact, one of the things that I always tell my clients about that I think is so interesting, I talk a lot about task initiation, getting started with almost every client. To be honest, that's one of the biggies. But this set of twins they had very different ways to approach getting started.
So one of them liked to do something quick first, like a quick win. Let's just get started, a little ease into it. And the other was like, no, no, no, no. I like to do the hard one first. Let's just get that one out of the way. But, but yet they were identical twins. So yeah, every brain is different.
That's why I like to call. My work with, in terms of strategies and tools, I like to call it strategy shopping because it's like,
I love it.
Shop around, see what works. Right. No judgment. I'm not gonna tell that one twin, no, that's wrong. You have to do it this way. No shop around. So I love the strategy shopping with people.
Scotti Weintraub: Oh my goodness, I love that metaphor. It [00:15:00] is so, true. Yeah. That. All these strategies, especially with our kids when they're having challenges at school or at home being open to trying different things and that there isn't a one size fits all
Carrie Bonnet: for sure,
Scotti Weintraub: approach or tool or, way to initiate your homework task and.
I think that is actually freeing for parents to realize.
Yeah. I mean, I hope so.
Yeah. There isn't just one way to do this.
Totally.
Carrie Bonnet: I often get parents who, when they arrive to me, someone has told them about executive function 'cause they wouldn't, because that's such a weird term. But they come to me and they often say, we've tried all the things and, and I don't doubt that I, I know that parents are trying and doing the best they can.
They have tried a lot of strategies and tools. The openness. I think Scotty is like nailing it a little bit and, and getting curious about it and saying, okay, well this planner, for instance, I [00:16:00] have a lot of people say, well, if they try a planner, it doesn't work. Okay, but what doesn't work about it?
Let's get curious about, a couple of things where we, where we was it set up in a way that was so simple that you, it's really, really simple to use. One of the things that maybe we'll talk about my big, soapbox about executive function is that we have to keep things visible.
Otherwise our brain just is like, no way. So making all the invisible stuff more visible. So did the planner just live in the backpack the whole time and it never came out? Well no, that's not gonna work 'cause we need it in our face. So, you know, just getting curious about that and not assuming that only one size fits all.
Scotti Weintraub: You know that I always talk about curiosity as well. Mm-hmm. Because it just allows us to not feel trapped. We don't feel stuck if we are asking questions and trying to get to the bottom of it, because yeah, there are just different ways to approach things and none of them are [00:17:00] better necessarily than the other.
But we have to be, as you said, we have to be open to trying things. Right. And that's, I think that's really good modeling for kids too.
Absolutely.
Because sometimes these kids who struggle can be very rigid thinkers.
And modeling like, okay, that didn't work. Let's try something else.
Let's try something else. Mm-hmm.
Carrie Bonnet: Yeah. And we, yeah, I love that. Being able to change gears. I mean, even in just parenting in general, not around this stuff. I often try to, because I'm a little bit of a rigid thinker myself but try to say this is not working. Like, what can we, let's try something else.
I like, I try to do that because I think you're right. It's good modeling. And you know, the students. Need to be open to trying things too. And so to see their parents being willing and to maybe work with somebody like me who's like, I don't care what kind of planner you use. I have some ideas. You might not even like a planner at all, but you need a calendar in your world to manage [00:18:00] dates.
Mm-hmm. So let's get creative. What are some things, so hearing from me too, a little flexibility and not like, here's the one tool that only, this is the one. Anyway, I think it, I think it helps with the buy-in too from kids.
Scotti Weintraub: Yes. So you mentioned that obviously these executive functioning skills are important in all sorts of ways in our lives.
Which begs this question to me, why as parents, should we be paying attention to this? Hmm. We might assume, as we talked about earlier, that school is just take, taking care of it, right? Yeah. They're, they're getting it through osmosis or through the process of being a student. So why do you feel like it's so important for parents to pay attention to executive functioning skills?
And I know when you work with parents, you actually have them in your coaching sessions with their kids. I do. So why is that piece so important?
Carrie Bonnet: Well, the parent piece I think is so important because, [00:19:00] so not all coaches do this. I know this, and sometimes it's a deal breaker. The kid is like, hard, no, I don't want my mom in these sessions.
The kid says, no, thank you, or the parents are very busy. I get it. It's a thing. But I do it because I think, first of all, I want parents to learn right alongside. Student, what are some things that can support them? Because the kids that come to me, they aren't really ready to go it alone, I don't think.
So if they were to meet one-on-one with me we talk about a lot and we do a lot of different things in our sessions and so I just wanna make sure that the parents are learning it right alongside them so they can continue to support and scaffold for their kids. The other piece is that some parents also need support in this area as well.
And so they tell me. This happens all the time. They tell me that the things that are really helpful in their lives, ways to manage their tasks adulting is no joke. So having some ideas for themselves to, figure that stuff out. And the answer to your question, like [00:20:00] why should parents be paying attention?
I think, we could talk a lot about school and traditional schools and how some, traditional schools are not a great match for some brains, but what I would say about why it's important to pay attention is that academic success is mostly based on executive function. There's this quote. Mm-hmm.
I can't even, it's from John Medina. He has a book called Brain Rules. I can't remember exactly the quote, but it's something like The Greatest Predictor of Academic Success. Executive function, it has nothing to do with iq. So how smart a person is is not like, these are life skills. So I think why parents should pay attention is because a child who is struggling in school definitely has challenges in executive function for sure.
But to get curious about what is it exactly? So like the student that I just mentioned, who's gonna be a senior next year, there's certain things that his brain's really good at. Actually emotional control. Impulse control is pretty good. But it's the time management. He told me [00:21:00] it's the staying organized and having system and calendaring.
He's like, I really wanna keep things on a calendar next year better so that I can graduate more easily. In fact, he's just really hoping to graduate. He's in that kind of position where. It's touch and go. But it's, you know, I think you just pay attention and figure out, get curious like what if that challenging behavior or that what looks like apathy or defiance?
What if that is a skill and if so, what skill could that be? Like, that's so powerful to start thinking of it that way.
Scotti Weintraub: Yes, absolutely. And that helping our kids, students know what strategies work for them is such a gift to them. Oh,
Carrie Bonnet: it's such a gift. I talk about finding the sweet spot for a lot of time.
Like what's the sweet spot of like what time you wanna start your homework when you get home. What's the sweet spot about like literally how many [00:22:00] minutes do you think you could focus on something boring? Then, okay, great. Is it six? Great. Let's set a timer for six minutes and give it a go and see what happens.
Right? Like finding the sweet spot. That's that finding, kind of doing the strategy shopping and then finding that sweet spot for strategies that work for them.
Scotti Weintraub: And then they have them like a toolbox moving forward in whatever comes next. In their life.
Carrie Bonnet: Right. You can use it for laundry.
Absolutely. Or cleaning your room, whatever the things are that you don't, because, such is life, right? Like we, we have to do stuff we don't wanna do, we have to. Mm-hmm. So these skills are pretty critical to figure out.
Scotti Weintraub: I wish, and again, looking back on my own academic career, I wish that we had had more opportunities to have these kinds of conversations.
I think what it might have also given me is a little more empathy [00:23:00] for other people's brains.
Carrie Bonnet: Absolutely. I would agree myself. I think I, to be honest, I'd love to say that I always had a heart for the kids that were struggling in my class, and I don't think that's true. I mean, in true reflection, I think I was judging kids when I taught middle and high school and now I know better.
Right? So, and I can't unsee it now. So that's, what I hope for anybody listening today is that you sort of. Hear this stuff, but then you, you start to see it and then you can't unsee it like, oh, well, that it's a brain thing. Let's figure out how we can support the brain.
Scotti Weintraub: Yeah. Because looking at it through that lens just brings the heat down.
Carrie Bonnet: Totally.
Scotti Weintraub: It, takes away the blame, the shame, the judgment. And I think that that's been a really valuable piece. Learning for me and you know, in my parenting life. Yeah. Yeah. And then I think about all those times when, maybe I wasn't as kind or as empathetic to others whose brains work [00:24:00] differently than mine.
And it takes work. Yes. The empathy piece piece. Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. So if we were to wrap up this discussion of, what is executive functioning? What is one takeaway that you want parents to have from this conversation,
Carrie Bonnet: I guess. Well, the, the one very practical one is the make the invisible visible.
Like there's so much that's invisible, like time for one is invisible expectations, chores, homework, invisible unless we make it visible. So that's maybe the first thing. And then the other thing is that you don't have to be an expert to help your kid with this stuff. You just have to try one thing.
Like one tiny thing. In fact, that's a very executive function sort of principle, is baby steps chunking, they call it in my world. But like making like baby steps. 'cause progress in this area is really, really measured in baby steps. So find one sticky spot and maybe make it more visible.
Maybe [00:25:00] that's the thing to take away. You don't have to be an expert, you can absolutely help your kid with this stuff by getting curious and then by just trying one little thing.
Scotti Weintraub: Great. So if folks were interested in learning more about working with you where might they find you?
Carrie Bonnet: Well, my website is just my name, so it's carrie bonnet.com. And then I also have a free resource, which is four simple ways to help your student get things done without constant reminders. That is at carrie bonnet.com/blueprint. You can find that there. I forgot to mention that I'm a mom too, so I, I have a teenager and a 12-year-old and so I mean, I'm a teacher and a mom, so I have a lot of experience in this area.
And I'm going through it and doing it in my own house as well. Yes, I am also in my house. We feel you all in these challenges. I'd like to end the conversations with? You know, sharing? 'cause I love resource sharing. What is one, tool, one [00:26:00] website, a podcast, a book that you think would be a good starting point for parents?
Hmm. I think I'll recommend my friend Sarah Kesty has a podcast called the Executive Function Podcast. Very easy to find and locate. She's also a coach like me but she does a great job of part of her podcast is for the parent. And then the last part is like a quick pep talk for the kid, and I love her. I love that about her podcast. So it's called The Executive Function Podcast by Sarah Kesty.
Scotti Weintraub: Well, thank you Carrie. It has been so fun. We could talk about this endlessly Uhhuh Uhhuh, so at some point we're gonna have to have you back to talk about more specifics.
Carrie Bonnet: Great. Love
Scotti Weintraub: to, and but if folks. Wanna find you, they can find you on your website, carriebonnet.com, and I appreciate you being my inaugural guest.
Happy to do thanks, and thanks everyone listening.
Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning in to Unlocking [00:27:00] School Success. If you're finding these episodes helpful, please hit follow, leave a review, or send it to another parent who's also navigating the school maze because no one should have to figure this out alone. You'll find full show notes@reframeparenting.com slash podcast and you can come say hi on Instagram at Reframe Parenting.
Thanks again for listening. See you next time.
