22: Resilient Parenting: Managing Stress When Kids Struggle at School
When school challenges pile up, it’s not just kids who feel the pressure—parents do too. In this episode, Scotti talks with Dr. Kate Lund about what resilient parenting really looks like in everyday life, especially when stress runs high. We dig into simple, practical use-now ways to manage those tough moments (like that phone call from school), shift out of the negativity spiral, and help both you and your child stay grounded, confident, and focused on what’s actually going well.
Key Takeaways:
Resilient parenting starts with managing your own stress. Simple tools like the relaxation response help you stay grounded so you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting.
Practicing calm ahead of time makes tough moments easier. Small daily habits help you show up more steady when challenges hit.
Focusing on daily wins shifts the negative narrative. Noticing what’s going well helps counterbalance constant concerns and builds confidence.
Your child’s strengths can get buried under challenges. Naming and reinforcing them helps your child stay connected to what they do well.
Comparison adds pressure. Staying focused on your child’s unique path keeps your support aligned with what they actually need.
Resources:
Step Away: Keys to Resilient Parenting by Dr Kate Lund (affiliate link)
Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive In School, Sports and Life by Dr Kate Lund (affiliate link)
Resilient Parenting with Dr Kate podcast
Connect with Scotti:
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LinkedIn
Connect with Dr Kate:
Ask a Question:
Got a school question on your mind?
Submit it as a listener question for a future episode
Transcript
22: Resilient Parenting: Managing Stress When Kids Struggle at School
[00:00:00]
Speaker: Welcome to Unlocking School Success, a podcast with the smart strategies and support parents need to help their kids thrive. I'm your host, Scotty Weintraub, parent coach, school navigator, and your go-to guide for turning School Stress and Chaos into clear strategies that work. Let's get started.
Scotti: Have you ever wondered what skills you bring to supporting your child at school? Well, I'm guessing you have some school support superpowers. Take my free quiz that's available on the Reframe Parenting website to find out Golden Girl style, whether you are more of a Dorothy or a Rose, and be able to use those unique skills you already have to help support your kid and help them thrive at school.
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Unlocking School Success. It is my great pleasure to welcome a special guest today. [00:01:00] I've got Dr. Kate Lund, and she is not just a psychologist. She's also the author of two books. We're gonna hear all about those, but she's here today to talk specifically about resilience.
Dr. Kate Lund: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. I'm glad to be here.
Scotti: It's so fun to connect with people doing interesting work. And you have a new-ish book that's just out called Step Away Keys to Resilient Parenting. And so I am really eager to talk about this idea of resilient parenting, so resilience, not just for our kids, which of course we all want them to be resilient, but what do you mean by resilient parenting?
Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, that's such a great question and I wrote the book because in my work I'm seeing how stressed parents are. There's so many inputs coming at us from all directions all the time, and. I was just finding so many parents in my practice [00:02:00] really stressed out on the brink of burnout.
So wrote this book, step Away The Keys to Resilient Parenting, to try to help parents to optimize their own sense of wellbeing within their own unique context, whatever that looks like for them. So it's not just about. Being resilient in those moments of challenge. It's more about creating an integrated lifestyle or a resilient lens that you're looking through as a parent, so that you're set up to manage through and beyond the inevitable challenges that are gonna happen to all of us all the time, probably multiple times a day.
Kind of ride those challenges. More like a wave, of course. Easier said than done, but we never wanna be starting up. In an intensified space such that when a challenge hits, we shut down. We escalate to the point of shut down. We don't want that to happen. So first step in creating this resilient lifestyle [00:03:00] is finding a way to manage our stress response as parents.
So I have a specific tool that I love to teach around that called the relaxation response, which was developed by a physician in Boston in the 1970s named Herbert Benson. Even before this kind of stuff was a thing, but he was convinced that there was something there, and the technique became so powerful, important with his medical patients that it's really generalized across contexts.
Really helps so many people. Super simple. You come up with a word or a phrase that you find soothing in some way and you breathe. And that's where it starts in the idea of managing your stress response and figuring out what it feels like to show up level each day. Takes time, takes practice to integrate, but a really important first step.
Scotti: Oh, I love that. This is a simple thing [00:04:00] that we can start with because I know that lots of parents who may be listening to us, they might have a lot of stressors in their lives, and if they're listening to my podcast about school success, I'm guessing too that they have, their kids have some stress at school, and it could look like a lot of different things.
So specifically in. If we're talking about school situation, how might we take that very simple, easy to use example and walk us through how, what that might look like. Say, 'cause this is a real life example for me. You get another phone call from school telling you, oh, this happened again, and your your anxiety starts going up because,
Dr. Kate Lund: Yes.
Scotti: It's hard to get those calls.
Dr. Kate Lund: So hard to get those calls. And that's a great question because, so first thing is practicing this technique, five minutes in the morning, five minutes later in the day to start to [00:05:00] integrate what it feels like, right? But the cool thing is you can carry it around in your back pocket.
And I recommend this to basically everybody I work with, because we're gonna have those stressful calls, we're gonna have those stressful moments encounters with their child. Call from school encounter with a teacher. What have you. So in the moment that call comes in, it's a question of taking a deep breath, listening to what's happening on the other end of the phone, but also at the same time reminding yourself to take a breath, try to think of that word or phrase.
It works much better if you know the call is coming in right and you can prepare for the call. You can prepare for the stressful meeting, but we can also do it in that heated moment to give ourself a little bit of space and perspective to be able to receive whatever it is that's coming in. And then [00:06:00] once you hang up, taking a step back and really.
Focusing in on the word or phrase and breathing, maybe it's two minutes, maybe it's five minutes, but using that technique to really modulate that stress that you're feeling in the moment.
Scotti: That is such a great reminder because I think when these things happen, especially if you have a history of them, they can be very.
Triggering of our stress response. And so, I know for me it. It can take a lot to, to try to calm myself down sometimes a
Dr. Kate Lund: hundred percent. So to have something like this technique in your back pocket is super important because the moments are gonna happen, right? It's kind of a two step process.
You wanna be practicing consistently, so you're as modulated as [00:07:00] possible when that stressor hits. But then you also wanna have it at the ready when you need to decompress or modulate after a stressful encounter or call or that kind of thing.
Scotti: Okay, so now I'm already plotting. Okay. I need to start practicing so that then I'm more prepared for the next time because I do think, at least for myself.
Over time, that kind of practice has helped me, not the specific exercise, but being able to have perspective, being able to have an experience where, the call comes in or the meeting happens and you come out the other side and then you gain perspective, right? Then you think, okay, that wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.
Or we were able to manage that more successfully than I could have. So with success, breeds sort of confidence. A
Dr. Kate Lund: hundred percent, yes. You notice that small win, that small success [00:08:00] in the practice or how it helped you and that motivates you. Yes. Makes you more confident oh, okay, I've got something that's gonna help me in those heated moments.
Scotti: Yeah. I love that. What are some other tips from your book about that might be helpful for parents around school challenges specifically?
Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, so one other tip that kind of pops out as I'm thinking about all of it in relation to school challenges, and this is helpful for both the child as well as us as parents.
It's called the daily wins exercise and 'cause oftentimes. As human beings, our kind of tendency is to go to the negative what are all the things that went wrong today? What should I have done better? What could I have done better as a mom or for my kid? Or maybe the child, depending on their developmental phase, is feeling the same way.
So a very powerful exercise is sitting down at the end of each day and jotting [00:09:00] down, three to five things that went well on the day during the day. And it's, it sounds really simple and it is, but oftentimes it's difficult to come up with those things because we're so mired in all the stuff that went wrong and all the things we think we should have done better.
So as we do this either on our own as parents or in conjunction with our child, it becomes a really helpful roadmap for. Reinforcing for us that, oh, there were some things that went well, and that's a powerful long-term strategy for shifting the needle at least to neutral, if not maybe into a little bit of the positive space.
Of course, we need to contend with the challenges. We're not pretending the challenges don't exist, but to be able to see both sides of that coin is really important for our overall sense of wellbeing and for that of our [00:10:00] child and our child's ability to believe in themselves and what they're capable of, despite the challenges.
So really important exercise for folks to, to think about.
Scotti: Oh, this, I think could be really impactful because I speak to parents sometimes who, when you have a child who struggles a lot at home or at school, you get a tremendous amount of negative feedback. All of those calls, all of those emails, all of the comments about problems or challenges or behaviors start to pile up,
Dr. Kate Lund: right?
Scotti: As sort of a mountain of negativity and it is so easy to get mired in that mountain, to get stuck there. And I once had a parent say to me that they struggled to come up with positive things to say about their child. Not because they didn't love them and weren't committed to them, but because that mountain of negativity was [00:11:00] so strong that it's really hard to see.
Remember the really powerful, amazing, wonderful things that our kids are in addition to their challenges.
Dr. Kate Lund: A hundred percent, yes. And that's so important for us as parents to not lose sight of the strengths that all of our kids have. Regardless of the challenges that they also might have. There's always a strength there.
There are always numerous strengths there. They sometimes just get buried in that mountain of. Challenge and feedback related to the challenge and all of that you just mentioned. So Exactly. So important, and this exercise helps us to hold on to what those strengths are. And equally important here is helping our kids to hold onto what their strengths are and what they're [00:12:00] bringing to the mix because they're. Feeling and absorbing all of the negative messages about them as well, and. As much as we try to protect them and shield them from that, it's most likely being in some way demonstrated for them in the classroom.
Maybe it's body language, maybe it's direct comments, maybe it's, who knows what it is. But we wanna make sure that our kids also can see and hold on to their strengths as they're managing through and beyond their challenges.
Scotti: Yes. And that over time I think is so powerful as a parent to remember that we are, our kids', biggest cheerleaders are their biggest supporters.
And in order to fully fulfill that role especially in an advocacy [00:13:00] way, we need to hold onto those positives.
Dr. Kate Lund: A hundred percent.
Scotti: If nobody else is seeing them, we need to be the one to see them.
Dr. Kate Lund: Exactly, and to, yes, bring them to the advocacy and highlight them for the teachers and the folks at school who you know might be missing them in the speed of their day to day.
So important for us as parents to reinforce what are the cool things about our kids? What are the strengths that they're bringing to the table? Kind of flipping the script on what's hard because yeah, the challenges are real and we have to contend with them, and we don't wanna have things that are impacting our child in the classroom, others in the classroom, that sort of thing.
I guarantee you there are also strengths there that are getting lost in the shuffle, and we need to bring those to the [00:14:00] surface.
Scotti: Yeah, and especially I think at school meetings can be a particularly challenging place because they are often called to talk about the challenge,
Dr. Kate Lund: right? Yeah.
Scotti: So you get into those meetings already knowing that you're gonna be talking about the negativity.
Whatever that looks like in that particular situation. And so my suggestion to parents is always to try to set a tone in a meeting of positivity. So that's where I love that. If we can do that daily, like inventory of what are the good things, it helps us be able to show up in those meetings too with with really pointing out the strengths and setting that tone.
Or we're gonna have a conversation that also includes what's really great about my kid.
Dr. Kate Lund: A hundred percent. Yeah. So, so important. And yeah, it's just really important. And then over time, their lens on how they're looking at our kids who might be struggling a little bit. Shift. Right. And then
Scotti: [00:15:00] Yeah,
Dr. Kate Lund: We'll have an easier time kind of building that rapport with the child, because that's important too.
Scotti: Yes. '
Dr. Kate Lund: cause if teachers, school administrators are always coming to our kids with what's wrong and what needs to change and it just, it, it becomes such a negative message if that message can soften a little bit. It's gonna be a much more effective path to change in the classroom and beyond.
Scotti: Yeah.
And you mentioned connection, that is also such a key piece too, because it gives you points of connection to, to recognize interests or passions that the child might have. And reminds us too, as parents oh, they really enjoy chess. I don't know. That's a good reminder. Like we should do that more often.
Dr. Kate Lund: Yes, exactly. Yeah. And the passions piece is so important because we wanna help kids to really hone in on defining themselves [00:16:00] beyond the things that are hard for them. Because oftentimes our kids can get stuck in this. I'm not good at that, so why even try and they shut down. But if we can help them hold on to those passions, those things, those skills, those areas that they're developing hobbies or otherwise, it's gonna be such a important piece of their ability to believe in themselves from the inside out, and believe in what's possible for them.
Scotti: Yeah. Before we hit record, you and I were talking about our older teens, and I find that so important now at this particular time of parenting that holding onto what are those really amazing, unique things about them as they sort of are about to go into a whole new part of their lives.
Dr. Kate Lund: A hundred percent yes.
And right. We were talking offline about that. We both have older teens. I have 18-year-old twin boys. Very different, learning styles and approaches and things that were necessary to help each of them flourish [00:17:00] within their own unique context. And one of them is on his way to college next year. And I'll tell you that college application process these days is brutal.
Brutal. And it's a stressor for us as parents too, because we want them to not only succeed, but to land in a place that they're happy,
but sometimes there's a disconnect between where they think they. Want to or should land and where they're really gonna be happy. And so anyway, it hasn't panned out here yet.
We don't, we get decisions in the next two months,
Scotti: I keep my fingers crossed for you on that front.
Dr. Kate Lund: We don't quite have the details yet on how all the dots are gonna connect, but the ambiguity in it all is really hard. Not wanting our kids or our son to define himself based on these decisions is the place where we are right now.
And so it's brutal because that defining themselves based on those decisions can. Cause them to lose sight of what it is that's awesome [00:18:00] about them, what their strengths are, all the things that they're bringing to the table in the midst of potential rejection, which there will be because nobody gets into all the schools they apply to, so
Scotti: Right.
Dr. Kate Lund: Any who it's a process, but
Scotti: Yes.
Dr. Kate Lund: Important Yeah. To
Scotti: help. And I think it's,
Dr. Kate Lund: hold on
Scotti: it's an interesting thought too because if folks listening have younger kids, it can feel like. That the challenges, they're different of course, but I think there's such a through line, between at all of these ages, and I love these strategies you gave us because they're useful no matter what age we're talking about,
Dr. Kate Lund: right?
Yes, absolutely. And the relaxation response tool that I was talking about. Really great tool to also teach our kids. So we're practicing it as parents. We're using it in the ways that, that we talked about, but such a great tool to teach our kids, and they can really learn that quite early on.
And they can use it [00:19:00] if they're stressed out about a math test in fourth grade, they can use it if they. Stressed out about a big soccer game coming up at 15. They can use it before they go into the SAT when they're, I don't know, 17, so all of these points, and then they can use it day to day when any stressor comes up.
I work with a lot of young athletes in addition to the work with the parents that I do, and I have them keep this in their back pocket in school. Before a test, but really before these really important games that they have coming up and they fear that they're not gonna perform at an optimal level, whatever that looks like for them.
And this can really help to bring down that intensity to a more modulated space, which then does open up the possibility for a higher level of performance.
Scotti: Interesting. Because sports is such a place of. [00:20:00] Potential stress for our kids. It is, I it is a different world in these days than it was when I was a child in terms of the intensity of the, sports activities.
And so I love too that you mentioned that because this resilience we're talking about. Isn't just applied to school, it isn't just applied to our parenting. It's really about all these aspects we've been talking about, all these different aspects of a of our complex lives.
Dr. Kate Lund: A hundred percent, yes.
And that's the thing you mentioned complex lives, and that's the reality, right? And I think that our lives as parents and the lives of our kids are only getting more complex. Just with everything that's happening out there in the world and the inputs that we're getting and the inputs, I'm particularly thinking from social media and the comparison that happens there and the reality that what we're seeing on social media is [00:21:00] likely the high highlight reel.
And is the highlight even real? Because maybe it's generated by ai, I don't know, but it's a really important message to help. Parents absorb as well as our kids. And it's much easier said than done. And I definitely don't have the answer about social media.
Scotti: No, neither do I. But I do think it brings up a really interesting piece when we're talking about school challenges that I hear because, and I have felt this very much myself, that when you have a child who struggles and school is seen as this place where, we as parents are very much judged.
By, or we think we are judged by our kids' success also in sports perhaps too. But there's a sense that if your child is struggling in school, that somehow that's a reflection on your parenting. And this gets to be, in, in the place we're in with our young adult kids, it gets [00:22:00] heightened because we see all of these decisions about college. All of these, especially on social media, information about scholarships and prizes, and these kids who seem to be doing so much better than what we perceive maybe our kids to be doing.
So I think that, puts a lot of pressure on us.
Dr. Kate Lund: It does. Yeah. And I think though it's really important because I hear you. I mean, the message is about college and they're all out there and all that, but it I think it's really important to come back to this idea of, appre helping our kids to appreciate their own unique context and as parents, us seeing and appreciating their own unique context and that all kids are gonna be coming from different contexts.
Right. And what might be. Awesome. And a great fit for one might not be for the other and to really keep that in mind, particularly Yeah. When we're seeing all of these things out there on [00:23:00] social media about, you mentioned, yeah. Scholarships and prizes and this kid being on the top of the game this way and all these things I think really important for us to.
Take a step back and shift our perspective a little bit back to who we know our child to be and what their best looks like for them within their own unique context. Not to say that can't grow and evolve and develop over time, 'cause it certainly can, but I guess the bottom line and easier said than done, but to really not compare because it will just, it'll bring everyone down.
Scotti: That is so challenging. It's so challenging and yet such an important thing because if we are doing what we've been talking about, really focusing on our kids and their unique skills and strengths and interests and passions, what does success look like for them? What does resiliency look like for them?
Not for us, not for [00:24:00] our neighbor, not for their classmate. For them.
Dr. Kate Lund: Exactly. And that's the bottom line. That's the most important thing that we can focus on. And as you mentioned, easier said than done.
It's hard.
It's really hard. But modulating our own stress responses, parents will help us open up that perspective and focus in that way.
But again, easier said than done, it's a process. And also focusing on. What are the things that are going well? How can that help us to really hone in on yeah, what my child's strengths are, how the, those strengths are gonna help them move forward. How we can help foster those strengths. All of that so, so important.
But yeah, in today's world it's easier said than done because, we're almost likely on social media and. There's so much out there that will attempt to pull us in the other [00:25:00] direction. And so really important to continually really create space and perspective for ourselves as parents to see all the cool things intentionally that our child has to offer and the possibilities out there for them.
Really important.
Scotti: Yeah, unfortunately we're gonna have to wrap up because if we could keep going. I am positive. But I like ending on that note because it is, I think a constant thing. We need to remind ourselves to, to be focused on the really amazing things about our kids. And with that, tell us a little bit more about where folks can find you, uh, about your books and where those are offered.
And I will. Just so everyone listening knows those will of course links be in the show notes.
Dr. Kate Lund: Amazing. Thank you. Yeah, no lots of information on my website, which is www kate lund speaks.com. So folks can go there [00:26:00] to find out more about me, connect with me, and also get more info on the books, step Away, the Keys to Resilient Parenting.
And then my first book, bounce Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive in School Sports, and Life is also on the site, so yeah.
Scotti: Excellent. And I like to finish my guest conversations with asking if there's another resource besides yourself, which of course you're a great resource too. But something of a website, a book, a podcast, something that you might point folks to that might go along with this conversation we've been having.
Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah I mean, so, there's my new podcast, which is Resilient Parenting with Dr. Kate, which is basically a companion to step away. So there's that. But then also the there's a tremendous amount of information out there on the relaxation response. Which was developed by the physician. I mentioned Herbert Benson, and that I often find is helpful for folks to dig [00:27:00] into a little more deeply as a way, as a catalyst for creating their practice around this, because really the idea of modulating your stress response is such an important foundational piece in all of this.
But particularly resilience. Resilience in parenting and helping our kids to be the best they can be as well.
Scotti: I love that and I think I will take you up on that challenge to, to look more into it because I do think it's just so important and has been so helpful to me in the long term. Thank you Dr.
Kate for joining me on unlocking school success, and I encourage folks who are listening who wanna know more about her to go to her website and seek out her amazing books. Thank you.
Dr. Kate Lund: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. It's been great.
Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning in to Unlocking School Success. If you're finding these episodes helpful, please hit follow, leave a review, or send it to another parent who's also navigating the school [00:28:00] maze because no one should have to figure this out alone. You'll find full show notes@reframeparenting.com slash podcast and you can come say hi on Instagram at Reframe Parenting.
Thanks again for listening. See you next time.
